Boundaries Help Love Flourish

“Why do I always get so mad at him? When he doesn’t do what I think he should do I get so upset. Sometimes I yell at him, other times I give him a cold shoulder. I don’t like what I’m doing but I don’t know how to stop. Can you help me?”

"What’s your motivation for this behaviour,” we asked.

“I want him to change.”

“Is it working?”

“NO.”

“Then why carry on with it?”

“Because he bugs me. I want him to know he makes me mad. I want him to change.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes, but I want him to change.”

“So what you really want is to control or punish him. You choose to behave in an inappropriate way so he will change. Trying to control another person never works. Love does not try to control anyone else. We can only control ourselves. When we choose to control our behaviour we begin to create an environment where change can happen. Right now your husband is focused on responding to your behaviour and that keeps him from seeing his role in the conflict.”

Every couple has moments of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. The issue at that point is not what was done to us but rather how we respond to what happened. The way to respond appropriately is to establish boundaries for behaviour. Boundaries are set to control our own behaviour, not that of our spouse. If I say to my wife, “I’m setting a boundary for you, you can’t yell at me anymore, she will say, ‘Really? Watch me.”

The only boundary I can set is for me. A boundary is simply a property line. It marks the beginning and the end of something. I know how far I can go in landscaping my yard because there is boundary between mine and my neighbor’s property. I am responsible for what I do on my property. I can’t blame him for the weeds on my yard. No matter what he does or doesn’t do on his yard I am responsible for mine.

In a similar way I can establish boundaries for my own behaviour. I can choose never to cross the boundary into yelling, hitting, name calling, or any other inappropriate behaviour. Boundaries are essentially about self control. They are an expression of love. They communicate respect. They help create an environment where both partners can focus on the issue and how they will respond to it rather than on each other and then love can grow.

If I believe that my spouse is responsible for my behaviour I am at his or her mercy. I have made myself a victim or slave. The moment I assume personal responsibility for my behaviour I am free, I am no longer a slave to his or her problems and better yet, I have created an environment which can change the marriage relationship itself.

Here are some suggestions to begin setting boundaries.

Identify the problem behaviour. For example, yelling, hitting, silent treatment, swearing, name calling.

Determine never to cross the boundary into the problem behaviour.

If you find you have crossed over here is what you do. Stop in mid sentence; say out loud, “Stop! I am not going there again.” Then start the conversation again. You will have reinforced your commitment to assuming responsibility for a loving, respectful response. You are now in control. You will be empowered.

Next time: Examples of boundaries

John and Anne Neufeld have a counseling practice specializing in marriage and premarriage issues. They also conduct marriage seminars for churches and groups across the country. Do you have topics you’d like to see addressed in this column? Email them and they will try to address them in future articles. They can be reached at focused44@shaw.ca or 204-326-4263